Donato Fatuesi: Hey Fam, as some of you know, I am someone that is in an active healing journey. I am codependent. I am someone who has been addicted to drugs and alcohol and am almost 3 years into my sobriety journey. And let me just say that therapy truly saved my life, and I mean that whole heartedly and if you’ve been here before, I’ve promised that these conversations would get more intimate, they’ll get more deep and we’ll get more real. If this is your first time here, welcome to the Fofola Le Fala podcast, my name is Donato Fatuesi and I’m your host and today I am really grateful I get to call upon a really good friend of mine, whose made it her life mission to help others bridge that gap into their own healing journey as a holistic trauma therapist. Please join me in welcoming her to the Fala, Vaelupe Ma’aele-Gonzalez, Welcome sis!
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yay! Thank you! I’m honored, I’m grateful and I am grounded in this space with you today to share space and to unpack some things that inspire.
Donato Fatuesi: Thank you, here on the Fofola Le Fala podcast, as I’ve mentioned to you before that we weave together stories of queer and trans pacific islanders that folks wouldn’t otherwise hear anywhere else and so this is a really special place and we get to create this project with UTOPIA Washington and I’ve shared a little bit about some of my own background and my individual healing journey, like I’ve had to do tons of deep work to unlearn and unpack ways that I enmeshed myself in so many of my closest relationships, right? And for those of you who are at home and are wondering like, Oh what does that mean? Enmeshment is a big fancy pants word, right?
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Mhmm
Donato Fatuesi: And what I mean by that is, I started to make so many other people’s problems, my problem.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Hmm
Donato Fatuesi: And I thought that for me, that this was coming from a place of Tautua, right?
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah
Donato Fatuesi: Growing up Samoan, that in my individual responsibility to serve the collective, in a lot of ways, I was suppressing my own individual needs. Really at the expense of my own wellness.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah
Donato Fatuesi: And of course we’re going to dive in to a lot of those themes, and Vaelupe is going to help give us so many thoughts and reframes around what that can look like in our Pasifika cultures and how we can begin to unpack many of those themes, but before… before we get there, y’all – just to let you know what the lay of today’s land is gonna be – we are going to get there but before we do, I really want to explore Vae your individual journey into this calling.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Mmm
Donato Fatuesi: So please if you can share with folks, like what inspired you to lean into this calling and like what was that moment that was like, “Ahh… this is the thing I’m going to do, and here’s how I’m going to serve others.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yes, my story is.. it’s fun, it’s interesting because like many of us, I am raised by a Samoan Dad, whose born/raised in Samoa, came to the states and in my family there was no discussion ever of mental health, a therapist so my exposure to therapy and mental health was on accident. I truly think it was on accident *cough* excuse me – and I slowly drifted away from my desires to become a lawyer. I went to school to study criminology and I ended up working in residential facility. And in that residential is when I first ever came to terms with an actual therapist, therapy, mental health, I was completely ignorant to all of this. I had no idea. It was just my – I would say my natural gift – of being able to connect to the youth in this group home where I realized, maybe I want to do something else. I want to connect in a different way. So I got curious, long story short, in that process I decided to change majors and was just chasing this calling of “I think I should be a therapist”. I want to do what all these white people are doing because I think I can do it better. And that was like my perspective –
Donato Fatuesi: Mhmm
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): For a while… But there was a very specific moment in my life where I decided to go into private practice. So we’re fast forwarding… I went back to school, got the degrees, became a therapist and now I’m working as a community therapist. I am in the homes of some of the most vulnerable populations. These are LGBTQ, Trans Youth who have been through the system, they are experiencing homelessness, have been displaced, and I’m on these streets with them. And it was in those moments that I quickly realized, like I think I have a gift of impact. I think I have this calling to do more in community. And I actually ended up, the year before COVID, having a conversation with my mom about this – we started talking about generational pain, generational trauma, and I’m telling her, “You know mom, I feel like I need to do more. I need to do more than just work for this corporation”. That was when the birth of “Pasifika Rooted Therapy” came to mind, I said “There are no spaces like THIS for our people” and I think I can be the person to co-create that. And I started my practice months later after that conversation with my Mom.
Donato: That is incredible. I think for many folks, you know I’ve read on the interwebs and seen that like COVID in some ways was like this unique equalizer that allowed many people to like pause and reflect like where they want to transition their lives into. And I think you also touched on a very important aspect that like myself that I share around my own ignorance of therapy in the early start of my journey, having been someone that didn’t anyone within my immediate circles that therapy was even possible, right?
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Right.
Donato Fatuesi: Growing up, my idea of therapy was like it was only reserved for the affluent people –
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Right, right.
Donato: And the whites. And I didn’t ever think like, I needed therapy. I’m interested to hear what were some of those initial thoughts as you say like you were ignorant to it that you had experienced that help to push you to being like, ‘actually no! This is something that not only I recognize that I could benefit from, but in helping to serve the youth you were working with, is transforming lives.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah, I had no idea that part of the program – my grad school program – that part of becoming a therapist you have to go to therapy! So, when I applied to grad school I had no idea of this. In the middle of grad school I’m learning I need to go to therapy now, and I’m like wait a minute I can do the school work, I can read the books, y’all didn’t say nothing about doing this work myself! Again, I’m coming from a place of therapy being – just like you – for a specific population. It looked a certain way. Even all of the therapists I worked alongside in the residential. They all were white, they were all very affluent, and it was clear, and there was a big difference between myself and them, and I had this fear of. Oh, my gosh! What am I going to do in therapy? I have to go, or I can’t finish this program to become a therapist. Now that I think about it, I’m like it makes a lot of sense. You should do the walk to talk the talk right. But it was in that moment where I felt like, Oh, my goodness, what do I have to tell this person, you know, for 25 sessions!
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah!
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Which is not a little bit of time. I had to do 25 sessions, and I kept thinking, what are we going to talk about? Because I’m not telling my business.
Donato Fatuesi: Wow!
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): So I already had this association to: It’s intrusive. They’re nosy, right? It’s just like a faika space where you want to know all the tea and the gossip and judge me, and I had all of these kind of negative associations to it simply because it was something brand new. I had never been in therapy before.
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah, and and I think a lot of people, you know, who you know share our cultural background it’s also, like, we have this unique sense of pride where where I think it is is a wonderful thing. But it’s like, if I’m if I’m gonna you know what is the the metaphor? Lift the hood. The real real like that’s just not something we, you know, would typically do.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): No.
Donato Fatuesi: And so, you know, I I relate to to those feelings of like this is intrusive to tell. And or what can you tell me about myself that I don’t already know?
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Correct, correct, right? 100% And more so right for a lot of us Pacific Islanders, I mean, as a Samoan person. There’s nothing you’re going to tell me about my family! That’s off limits, so don’t ask me. Don’t tell me to explain right. I had all of these thoughts of defense in my head about protecting my identity, and that included my community and my family. So yeah, those thoughts were like running through beforehand. For sure.
Donato Fatuesi: So with that right and and recognizing that cultural tie to being sometimes this unique barrier of access for Pasifica people to even begin to think about therapy and or take it seriously and and and, you know, identifying the steps to get to a place where we can feel safe enough to say, Okay, I can relax.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah.
Donato Fatuesi: I can share what I need to share. I can explore things. What has that experience been like for you as a service provider to helping ensure that people can get to that place.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah, I mean, a lot of that has been shaped by my own identity as a queer Pasifika person navigating this world. It has shaped so many of my approaches to therapy, and I think about the incorporation of who I am and where I come from, and how I bridge that with therapy. So
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): I think about for a lot of us, right? The we come from collectivistic cultures. We are rich in putting people before ourselves. A community is always going to be the most important. And when I am working with people that is always at the hub of the work that I touch, it’s kind of hard to separate it, because it’s not something that is taught. It’s not something that’s learned, it’s lived, it’s felt it’s within me.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): And so the gift of like bridging this clinical world, and culture becomes like a for me, a fluid dance. It’s easy! In the sense of like. I use things instead of saying anxiety, depression off the rip we’re talking about, maybe humility, spiritual work. We’re talking about harmony balance. And although I’m not using these clinical terms, it’s an easier way for a Pasifika person to understand like, Oh, yeah, let’s look at the harmony that I have or don’t have in my family dynamics versus. Let’s look at the problematic behaviors of your mama and daddy. Right? That kind of thing.
Donato Fatuesi: Let me tell you how this is anxiety, and I’m gonna immediately be.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yes.
Donato Fatuesi: Hold up. No, you’re not. Gonna tell me I have anxiety.
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah, what a word that I use. Right? But I think I think. using language and those reframes in that way that can really disarm.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah.
Donato Fatuesi: Disarm people who who might be feeling certain type of ways like we described as of the cultural backgrounds we come from to be like. Really, things are not in harmony.
Donato Fatuesi: That’s your explaining right?
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah, terminology is like such a big deal, you know, when we look at this because we have to be like as a therapist, I have to be mindful of the terms I use. A lot of us are very sensitive around labels like you said. I’m not going to name something as anxiety off the jump, especially because I want to meet my client with how they identify and how they’re experiencing these things.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Maybe it’s more of like I’m just tired, or I feel kind of like on edge all the time. Okay.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): right? There’s this nervousness. That kind of language feels a lot more comfortable than saying something like like you mentioned anxiety. A big part of kind of like bridging the gap, too, when it comes to like cultural approaches and therapy for me is celebrating culture. We are not in a space where we’re separating culture. Because, again, who am I right? As a Samoan person? I know how devastating it would be for someone to tell me like, separate that that’s who I am. It’s not, you know. It’s not makeup I just take off kind of thing.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): So in therapy we have to celebrate things, cultural traditions. We have to create a sense of pride because that strengthens your identity.
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah, I think, when I was going through it, right? And I was trying to convey to my therapist at the time like, No, wait. You don’t understand. Like I pay the phone bill of both of my parents that are divorced.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Right.
Donato Fatuesi: They need me right now, like.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah.
Donato Fatuesi: And they’re like you could just not.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah. What?
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Thank you.
Donato Fatuesi: Oh, God!
Donato Fatuesi: You don’t understand!
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): No, no.
Donato Fatuesi: Those those types of things.
Donato Fatuesi: However, there are healthier ways to grow through these patterns that we may have enmeshed ourselves in right. But I think, like you’re sharing. It’s like the language and understanding of the cultural context because of where we come from.
Donato Fatuesi: Because I didn’t feel like they could understand the weight of that responsibility that immediately I was. I was like averted.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Right.
Donato Fatuesi: And I think, having access to someone like you, I think, would have definitely helped smoothen that process and made me feel more at home and like being like, Okay.
Donato Fatuesi: you get it.
Donato Fatuesi: Now let’s let’s fill that layer and and get to to much of those root feelings quicker.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah, without it being like, you know, it’s kind of interesting. We’ll talk about this more about the hierarchy, you know, in our cultures. But then in therapy, because we are the professional you’re coming into, you’re seeking my support sometimes. The cultural piece of that for me is like breaking that where I am you, you are me. Let’s sit together. Let’s break bread together. Let’s enhance harmony and balance, because I know that that’s the way that we build trust. If you feel as though I’m here and you’re there, that power differential can create a lot of unsafety, it can create a lot of doubt. So as a Samoan therapist with Pacific Islanders or Pasifika people who are in therapy for the 1st time, more than anything I want them to feel seen. Before they see me as a therapist. I want them to see me as a human who sees them. And then that’s been like the biggest kind of approach for me as a therapist.
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah. And and you just like that. That’s just the aura you put out.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Oh, Thank you.
Donato Fatuesi: Know that that is a big part of your power.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Oh! I receive that.
Donato Fatuesi: People gravitate to you in in the spaces and events that we’ve shared.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah, thank, you.
Donato Fatuesi: I want to. I want to hear what are some specific examples of boundary challenges that have come up frequently, in Pacific Islander families work with.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Okay, we are. Gonna go there! And I’m going to say this with so much love and compassion. There is a theme of like you mentioned right, the sense of responsibility associated with the sense of guilt, and how the 2 together really cause us, as Pasifika people, to lack boundaries. To the point of maybe just lacking them to the point of feeling like I can’t like. It’s impossible like you said right. I can’t just stop paying Mom and Dad’s bill, even if that means every every month I’m short on my rent, because I have to pay for their phone bill. That’s an example.
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah, yeah, you know.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): There are these like themes of you know, whose needs are more important, and for someone who has been raised their entire life of putting their family before themselves. It is extremely difficult to ever find space of saying, actually, I need to take care of me so that I can better take care of them. It’s really hard to access that kind of framework without kind of breaking down some of it to create insight, really to help you understand how to get there, and how this benefits everyone. When you start to take care of you.
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah, yeah, no, totally. And I think that guilt that you mentioned it is a big
challenge, right? And and that feeling. And I think so many of our listeners. I I hope. You’re able to make that connection and realize, 1st and foremost, you are not alone in that and that there is no shame in admitting that, because that, too, is also where the real work can begin.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah. And some of that work looks at. You know, what is the balance between respect and autonomy? You know the ability to make these decisions and have a sense of self. And while there is like a strong focus for us honoring our elders, we also can recognize the importance of personal development, autonomy, right? Like, as we grow older, so the challenge becomes like balancing this respect for our elders with the need of like self advocacy and personal boundaries. And then, nowadays, we have these modern influences. So it’s really hard to do this dance. But the intention is to be fluid, you know, in exploring what it might need to look like for you.
Donato Fatuesi: So when you say autonomy, what what does that mean? Like can we help break down for folks, what what do we mean when we say, having autonomy.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Autonomy. So to keep it short, autonomy really is about your sense of self. Right? It’s the independence to govern you, which is a level of like making choices. Sometimes it’s about decisions, it’s about relationships, likes, dislikes. But the central point of autonomy is yourself making decisions that are based off of you, your needs, and where you’re at.
Donato Fatuesi: And for for some folks right like having autonomy or thinking from that place first, can feel foreign.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah.
Donato Fatuesi: And so, you know, I wanted to. I wanted to PIN that because, you know, in much of like the ways that that we have been, you know, guiding this conversation and also celebrating, you know that.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Hmm.
Donato Fatuesi: The the part of the richness of our Pasifika. You know, heritage and cultures doesn’t prioritize the self.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah.
Donato Fatuesi: And it’s not that that’s a bad thing, right?
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): 100%
Donato Fatuesi: What Vae and I are trying to get people to understand is we can get to a place where we can honor ourselves and better serve everyone around us when we have the the autonomy and and the the what is the word, the intentionality to care for ourselves, to better serve others right.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah, right.
Donato Fatuesi: Take the cell phone Bill, example.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah, yeah.
Donato Fatuesi: Can I pay about? That’s phone bill 1st before making sure mine? You know, I’m eating like to be able to do all of this other good.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Hmm.
Donato Fatuesi: Without making sure that I am good.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Right. So like the.
Donato Fatuesi: And being OK to say when I am not.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Absolutely because there is. We have this unspoken expectation right to always put our family first, and that makes it really difficult for a lot of us to have boundaries that prioritize our mental health, or even just personal space.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): And I think about a lot of my clients who are struggling with boundaries. It’s because this concept of like caring versus sacrificing. So there’s this emphasis our culture on caring for other people, and how oftentimes that leads to self sacrifice. Right? Like you said, I pay this phone bill. I don’t have the money to eat.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): And so, automatically, we are neglecting our own needs to support someone else which can really blur the lines when it comes to boundaries. So if we feel like we are doing things out of a sense of obligation to always be there. I encourage people to think about at what expense, what is that costing me.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): whether it’s my meal right or it’s sleep. It’s my distress, my worry! What’s the expense behind that?
Donato Fatuesi: And and and are we really in harmony? Or are we pretending to be right.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah. And it’s so important, I, you know, for listeners, I really want to emphasize that having boundaries is not about rejecting or disrespecting anybody else. It’s really about defining these limits that protect your own well-being while still going towards a collective being, meaning teaching and learning how to communicate your personal boundaries, and in a in a respectful way. Oftentimes means I can do better for myself, so that I can do better for you, so I can’t do better for me if I’m not a part of the priority list.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): There’s absolutely no way. If I’m pouring into everyone else, there’s nothing left for me at the end, when y’all come back and need me to pour again, I’m still empty from the last time.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah, just to kind of paint a picture.
Donato Fatuesi: and so you know, if you’ve heard the the metaphor of like, if you’re in a plane and there’s an emergency situation.
Donato Fatuesi: and you put the mask on the person you know the the child next to you, or whatever, before you put the mask on yourself like.
Donato Fatuesi: No, you put the mask on you 1st before you can help anyone else. That’s okay.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): 100% 100%.
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah, beauty, thank you so much for diving into that. I know. That that may have felt like such a meaty conversation. For you listeners, and I hope you’re truly picking up what Vae is putting down. Additionally. I know she has so many other resources that you know can really help folks think about these things and tools. Vae. Please help share.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah. So
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): I think it could be helpful if we just on the theme of boundaries, how to reframe, you know, boundaries as an act of self-respect and caring for your family. So I’ll talk about some examples of reframing, and then I’ll talk about maybe some tools that can go alongside these reframes. So, 1st and foremost, I encourage people to reframe your boundaries as a form of self love. It is absolutely not selfish. As we mentioned, I’m pouring into my cup, so I can pour for other people. That is not selfish, but that is a form of self love. It’s a form of self respect I’m important. I matter, and by honoring our own needs you’re better equipped to support your family and the community in the long run.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): So an example may be to take away from selfishness and move towards self care. By taking care of myself I’m creating space to show up for my family with more love and more energy. That’s an example.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Sometimes, too, a way to practice self-compassion is by reminding yourself that this personal care, again, is not an act of selfishness, but it’s my preservation that helps me be there for other people. So by taking care of myself, ultimately I am strengthening the collective. That’s also a way to kind of shortly bridge in some self-compassion in your thoughts when you’re thinking to yourself or feeling really guilty. This is something you can easily and gently apply for yourself to feel more of like out of a love, love and care versus selfishness and guilt.
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah, you shared something on social media recently. And folks, we’ll we’ll we’ll share how you can find Vae too on socials.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Hmm.
Donato Fatuesi: But, like I, I love this reframe that you had shared, that speaks to this exact thing. I mean, it was like saying no to to something. But it was like: I can’t. But let me know how it goes.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yes.
Donato Fatuesi: And and I received that at like the most opportune moment, because someone was asking me to do this whole other thing, and I wanted to do it because I care about the relationship. But I was looking at my calendar that day. And, girl. She was full.
Donato Fatuesi: I really have it in me to show up and do that thing.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Right.
Donato Fatuesi: Ways that also honors, how I want to show up
Donato Fatuesi: and and be the giver that I am, and be attentive, attentive, and intentional with my time, and I have to be honest and be like, girl. You’re not gonna get it! By by commitment number 3. You are spent.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yep.
Donato Fatuesi: It’s okay to be like, I can’t do it, But let me know how it goes, which also doesn’t tie me. Because the other thing is, I don’t want them circling back and being like. Is there another time we could? I was like no.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yep.
Donato Fatuesi: Really, I don’t have it. I can’t.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah, yeah.
Donato Fatuesi: It’s not that I don’t care exactly, or don’t want to show up. It’s it’s I’m taking care of me first.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yes, and that kind of like reflection. Right? That is a great way. And I would encourage people, too. So almost like a role reflection. Regularly reflect on your role in your family, in your community. So if you’re someone who feels overwhelmed? I’m gonna raise my hand so so high as the eldest daughter right as the one who is a lot more financially stable and responsible.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): It’s quick and easy for me to feel overwhelmed, but it is important that I am looking at those roles, that I play a wife, a daughter, business owner, all these things right, and if I’m neglecting my boundaries, it’s really important that my family knows how limited I am. So that way, too, they can create their own skill sets to maintain balance in the dynamic without me, knowing that I am probably operating really low.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): So it is okay to bring it up in your spaces that feel like you guys can have these kind of conversations about where you’re at, how you’re feeling. What’s on your plate that way, too. We can inform people, hey? Maybe the next time they need something they’re mindful about like. Well, Vae just said she had 10 things on her plate. So let’s probably not call her first. You know, creating a little bit more clarity. And although we’re not setting specific boundaries, we are using this kind of space to have open communication about my limitations or my capacity.
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah. Yeah. Duly noted.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yes.
Donato Fatuesi: What do we have next?
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Well, quickly. I can talk about cultural practices to reinforce boundaries, because I think that’s a big thing that I work with. A lot of my clients on. So you know, a lot of us come from cultural practices like prayer, fasting. We have ceremonial duties, and so what I tell my clients is like, hey, how do we use these moments to reinforce your boundaries in a culturally relevant way?
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): So, for example, sacred time, let’s say that is a time that we allow ourselves to have prayer, or we sit with God. We sit with our family, we have To’ona’i, things like that. Those are moments to reinforce personal boundaries. So you can inform your family or your community that during these times for me, it’s like I like to eat by myself.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): It’s just a time for me. I usually will say I’m going to go, sit and pray, and I’m going to eat. After we come back we’ll talk blah blah, but that is a time built in my own family dynamics, where I have a boundary.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): I’ll pray with everyone, and then I’m a step to the side, pray again and eat by myself, because it becomes overwhelming. After serving, cleaning, doing all this, I need space, so my boundary is, I’ll be a part of the collective. But I’m not going to separate myself from it by completely removing. I’m just going to create a little side moment for myself.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): So you know, just to encourage.
Donato Fatuesi: Not having guilt around it.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): No.
Donato Fatuesi: That’s what you need.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): We are owning it. That was a lot. Did y’all see what I just did, you know. And then you know that our prayers are not 10 min. They’re usually 20 to 30.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): I’m tired. I need a minute, you know. So being able to to almost like what I tell people is just shine in those moments without pulling away, because a lot of us want to have a sense of belonging. We don’t like to feel like we are neglecting or rejecting our culture and our families. So how do I double dip? Right? It’s like, how do I use these moments to reinforce my boundaries in a way that feels relevant.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): I know that my grandma’s not going to get offended. If I say, grandma, I’m going to go pray again, and then eat over here before I start doing something. Okay, yeah, go? Versus grandma, I’m going to leave, because y’all are too much right now.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): It’s a lot more gentle. Right?
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): So we talk about balance. And I think that that’s just something to be creative around is, how can you use these times in your cultural rituals to take time for yourself, for your mental health, your well-being, you know. If you’re someone who’s always doing the store runs, take full advantage of that store run.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Take a minute to check in with yourself, to breathe, or to even just vent to someone about everything that was going on inside the house. Kind of thing. So utilizing moments rather than feeling like you have to build brand new moments.
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah, yeah.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): That is beautiful. I don’t know about you, but when I’m the one doing the store runs part of my self care is I. I treat myself after the store run
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): absolutely absolutely, or the people who are like, Damn, she’s been gone for a long time. Yeah, she has, because she’s outside, sitting in the car. Taking a moment, she got all the stuff she just needs a moment.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah, 100%.
Donato Fatuesi: Amazing. Y’all, so many wonderful reframes, tools, access points to like, not only begin to think about these things, but to take action within and there there are a number of services that Vae also offers to begin that journey. So that you can work with Vae especially share with folks, how how they can connect with you. And all the things.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yes, absolutely so. As I mentioned, the birth of my practice is created to not only put the intention, but aim, to make therapy and mental health, healing a lot more accessible to Pasifika people. So through that I offer individual therapy couples therapy, I am getting ready to launch 2 brand new groups one will be for eldest daughters, and the second one will be for Pasifika experiences. Moral support dynamic for people who are maybe not ready to get into therapy, but are curious about what therapy is about, you know, to sit with the therapist. So if you are someone who is maybe not ready to do that individual leap. It’s completely okay to walk into a community space with other people who are there, and a lot of the ways to follow me, even if you’re not ready to do any of that, I encourage folks. Follow me on Instagram. I’m intentional about what I put out there with the intention to to just build and increase knowledge, to break the stigma, to normalize healing as a form of how we take care of ourselves, especially, you know, as queer folks as trans folks we are. We’re operating already with so many limited spaces. So I encourage people. If you’re not there yet, please follow me. Maybe something I share might help you break that stigma. It might give you insight. It might encourage or inspire you. It’s also a great place to tune in and ask questions. I love to do some questions and answers on Instagram. So yeah, that’s another way to find me or my website. Look up Samoan therapist, I hope I show up, but more so. Look up queer Samoan therapist, and I better be there. The SEO should be working.
Donato Fatuesi: The search engine optimization better do it’s thing!
Donato Fatuesi: Oh, my gosh, thank you so much Vae for all of your incredible wisdom, your insight. You’ve definitely inspired me. And I’m sure you’ll be inspiring so many others that are tuning into this Podcast. I absolutely love how you know, you create all of these resources, too, especially on your Instagram. So keep doing the damn thing, because, you know, like I just shared earlier, you helped me rethink about something that was a immediately happening in my life.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yes.
Donato Fatuesi: As other things are unfolding. So yeah. And and also you have a support group, right?
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): I do, I’ll be launching my support group. And that’s open International. There’s no state limitations there. So everything will be shared 1st on my instagram, and then through my website. And if there’s anything that resonates or that you take from this podcast today, I really want to remind folks that sometimes it’s not always starting at therapy. Sometimes it’s small moments of taking care of us, and there’s healing in so many things: People, places, foods, music. So I encourage you to do more of what feels natural and organic to you and not forcing yourself to go somewhere, that maybe you’re just not ready to. It’s completely okay. Start where you’re at. And remember, too, that at the hub of all of this you have to take care of you. We cannot be a better sister, daughter, friend, sibling. if we’re not taking care of us. So if there’s anything that resonates, I hope it’s that you are important, and we start with you always.
Donato Fatuesi: I couldn’t have said it better. I think that was the closing.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Yeah.
Donato Fatuesi: Yeah.
Donato Fatuesi: alright. So till next time. It is now time to fold your mat. This has been Donato and Vae. Thank you.
Vaelupe Ma’aele, LMFT (She/Her): Thank you.
